My Heel Hurts: What's Wrong With Me? (A Self-Diagnosis Journey)

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By Achilles, Son of Peleus | Medically Reviewed by: Chiron, M.D., C.T. (Centaur Trained)

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IN THIS ARTICLE:

Overview

My symptoms

What I searched (a spiral)

Could it be cancer?

When to see a doctor

Related: What is a prophecy and should I be worried?

OVERVIEW

It started as a minor ache after Paris playfully shot me in the Trojan War. I assumed it was normal wear-and-tear from 10 years of running very fast and aggressively in sandals. I was wrong. I have spent the last four hours on this WebMD and I am now reasonably certain I am dying. Let me explain.

This article documents my self-diagnostic journey for anyone experiencing similar symptoms. I am not a physician; even better, I am a demigod. This is not medical advice—it’s medical truth. That said, please do not base your immortality on this.

MY SYMPTOMS

• Sharp, localized pain in the posterior heel — left side specifically

• Pain onset: sudden, following what I can only describe as a “divine projectile incident”

• Swelling

• A general sense of prophecy fulfillment (non-clinical, but noted)

• Redness; some weeping (physical and emotional)

*WebMD Tip: Pain that is “localized to one specific spot your mother forgot to dip may warrant additional attention. Consider scheduling an appointment with your oracle before your next endeavor

ADVERTISEMENT • Hephaestus Forge Co. — Premium Divine-Grade Armor. Heel coverage now included**Does not cover pre-existing vulnerabilities. Void where prophesied.

WHAT I SEARCHED

9:14 P.M. — “heel pain after battle”

Results: plantar fasciitis, Achilles tendinitis (hey that’s ironic!), stress fracture

9:31 P.M. — “heel pain AND arrow wound”Results: seek emergency care immediately

9:45 P.M. — “can you survive an arrow to the heel if you are technically half-immortal”

Results: seek a psychiatrist

10:02 P.M. — “heel pain cancer”

10:03 P.M. — “heel pain lymphoma”

10:04 P.M. — “is heel pain a sign of something worse”

Results: Yes, always. According to WebMD, everything is a sign of something worse.

10:19 P.M. — “what happens when a prophecy about you is starting to feel extremely real” Results: no results found. Try: “anxiety management tips/coping with a terminal diagnosis”

COULD IT BE CANCER?

Technically, according to my search history, yes. WebMD’s Symptom Checker returned the following possible conditions when I entered “sharp heel pain, single point, god-adjacent patient history”:

1. Achilles tendinitis — extremely uncomfortable and likely not possible given my name

2. Heel spur — possible

3. Bone cancer — likely, but the Symptom Checker did not specify which bone exactly but I’m assuming my heel

4. Divine retribution — not listed officially, I snuck this one in 

5. Fulfillment of an ancient prophecy — also added by me, WebMD’s dropdown list did not include it

WHEN TO SEE A DOCTOR

You should probably see a physician or a specialist if your heel pain persists for more than 48 hours, is accompanied by swelling and bruising, or if a god personally directed the arrow that caused it. In the latter case, a doctor may be of limited utility. Consider instead:

• A lengthy, honest conversation with your mother about exactly which body parts she covered the Styx incident

• A retrospective deep dive of every prophecy that mentioned your name

• Acceptance of the fact that your armor, though divine, was regrettably sandal-based

*Achilles has since updated his profile. He is no longer with us. His Symptom Checker session has been archived for research purposes. In memoriam.

YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE “I googled my prophecy and now I can’t sleep: an Oedipus story” “Why dipping your child in the Styx is not a substitute for pediatric care” “My doctor is a centaur and honestly that’s a green flag. Here’s why.”